????? ?
A platter-sized crater dents the drywall in a hallway. Hollow doors are punched through with holes.
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The baseboard heating system was sabotaged in the midst of a frigid February. And the finished basement bears flood damage from when the sump pump was purposely turned off.
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Still, it?s home. At least until a pending foreclosure is finalized.
????? ?
And there?s a small measure of peace now.
????? ?
Because he?s gone.
????? ?
Kelly ? not her real name ? keeps a Bible open on a side table near the couch. The scripture stands as a ready source of much-needed strength and solace.
????? ?
Her fluffy, warm Australian shepherd, Annie, is a constant, faithful companion. The dog likes to snuggle up against 51-year-old Kelly anytime she sits on the couch.
????? ?
Such things provide comfort.
????? ?
But the hurt still finds her.
????? ?
When it gets to be too much, Kelly picks up the phone. She does this regardless of the hour.
????? ?
She dials a 24-hour domestic violence hotline that rings in Harrisburg. Then, she talks. Sometimes weeping. Sometimes raging.
????? ?
On the other end of the line, in a cubicle inside the YWCA of Greater Harrisburg, a counselor listens.
????? ?
No matter what, they listen.
????? ?
It?s been two years since Kelly ? once a successful mechanical engineer near the top of her male-dominated profession ? broke away from her abuser.
????? ?
But she?s still struggling to recover from the lingering effects of the abuse.
????? ?
Her estranged husband now lives hours away, a seemingly safe distance. Yet he looms large in her shattered life.
????? ?
Kelly?s emotional scars are as real as the damage to her house. Past events remain present in her life. The ugliness continues to echo:
????? ?
Vile, hateful words that stun and sting as surely as a hand across her face.
????? ?
Strong arms that squeeze tight around her neck until the inescapable ?sleeper hold? leaves her passed out on the floor.
????? ?
A hand that yanks her by the hair, dangles her over the basement steps and threatens to hurl her tumbling down.
????? ?
A fist cocked right at her temple, and the cold, chilling threat: ?I?m going to make your daughter an orphan.?
????? ?
All of this rushes at her, as real, sudden and soul-shaking as the day it happened.
????? ?
?I still can?t sleep through the night,? Kelly says. ?I lock every door at night, and I still have terrifying dreams. I still feel the long, cold hand of terror.?
????? ?
These are the wounds no one can see.
????? ?
Invisible scars that keep Kelly from resuming her once-pioneering engineering career.
????? ?
Instead, she?s considering taking a job at Sheetz ? a first, tentative step toward re-entering the work world.
????? ?
Her friends, meaning well, tell her it?s time to move on. If she gets a good job now, they urge, perhaps she can save the house.
????? ?
Kelly insists they just don?t understand.
????? ?
?Everybody tells me, ?He?s gone. You should get over it,? ? she says. ?It takes years to get away from this. Believe me, we don?t want to be victims.?
????? ?
Entanglements ? financial, legal and emotional ? keep her battling with her husband in absentia and by proxy. There are skirmishes over the mortgage, spousal support, dueling protection-from-abuse filings, competing harassment charges and their pending divorce.
????? ?
As much as Kelly wants this chapter of her life to conclude, she?s determined to see her marriage last a full 10 years, a goal that looms this summer. This way, she can claim a portion of her husband?s Social Security benefits.
????? ?
For Kelly, it?s an important, yet inadequate, measure of compensation.
????? ?
She?s lost almost everything else: a white-collar engineering career, her confidence, her retirement savings, her financial security and, soon, her house.
????? ?
She?s lost time, too. Nearly a dozen years, dating to the day she met her abuser ? and future husband.
????? ?
Above all, in the fog and fury of the violence that took place behind the closed doors of her modest home, Kelly lost herself.
????? ?
?That?s the thing that gets broken in you,? she says. ?The thing that says, ?You?re good enough, that you deserve to be loved.? You start to believe you?re not good enough, so you deserve to be beat on.?
????? ?
Such is the toll of domestic violence, that insidious secret kept in far too many homes of every income bracket and demographic.
????? ?
For the women ? the vast majority of victims are female ? their undeserved sentence of systematic abuse steals their self-worth.
????? ?
This thievery traps them, binding them to their abusers as surely as with rope.
????? ?
To break free, these women must somehow come to see they have choices. Real and viable options.
????? ?
But even this isn?t enough.
????? ?
To complete their emancipation and break the vicious cycle of violence, they also must feel empowered to act.
????? ?
They need the strength to stand for their own safety.
????? ?
Seeking to give them this ? the choices and confidence to seek a safer life ? is the YWCA of Greater Harrisburg.
ON THE FRONT LINES
It stands as a beacon high on a hill overlooking Market and Cameron streets in Harrisburg.
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The pillared, mansionlike YWCA headquarters is positioned like a fortress.
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This is fitting, because more than 2,000 domestic violence victims and some 800 affected children or other relatives seek refuge, shelter or assistance here each year.
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When a woman finally makes the difficult and daring decision to run from abuse, there?s often little planning beyond the instinct to get away.
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Perhaps this is why so many escape routes lead to the YWCA.
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They?ve had clients from as far away as California. Many come from York County, some from Cumberland County, although both have their own domestic violence service providers.
????? ?
When victims flee, they often wish to put as much distance as possible between themselves and their abuser. Theirs is a flight to safety.
????? ?
Some take buses. Some call the 24/7 hotline. Some end up in emergency rooms. Some are liberated by law enforcement.
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Others become ensnared in the criminal justice system themselves, often as drug or alcohol abusers. It?s yet another response to the trauma they?ve suffered.
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Victims aren?t perfect. And there are many self-destructive symptoms of abuse.
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But the YWCA takes each victim as it finds them.
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?That?s a reaction to a life of trauma,? explains Rhonda Hendrickson, the YWCA?s director of violence intervention and prevention. ?They can be angry, high or under the influence.?
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Safety and support is the YWCA?s overriding goal.
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A small but committed domestic violence staff of just 19 does it all.
????? ?
Nationally, cases are up by about 20 percent since September 2008 ? a date seen as the height of the recession.
????? ?
In the last year, the YWCA has seen a 7 percent increase in new clients seeking services ? but a whopping 51 percent increase in the amount of services requested by clients and a staggering 81 percent jump in the amount of time advocates are spending to meet victims? needs.
????? ?
During just the past three months, calls to the YWCA?s domestic violence hotline have risen by 42 percent.
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Hard economic times are a catalyst, but not a cause.
????? ?
High unemployment and tight household budgets can increase the frequency of violent flare-ups inside the home and worsen their intensity.
????? ?
But the root cause is a coarsened culture and an epidemic of dysfunctional relationships.
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Against this backdrop of increasing demand for domestic violence services, the YWCA soldiers on with dwindling resources.
????? ?
While its state funding is flat, the YWCA has seen an overall decrease in violence-intervention funding from all sources of nearly $88,000 over five years ? the equivalent of about three staff.
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?We continue to seek out funds to replace our lost revenue, however, this has become increasing difficult with so many nonprofits competing for funding to provide critical services,? YWCA CEO Tina L. Nixon laments.
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Yet its services shine, having recently received the Governor?s Victim Service Pathfinder Award, Pennsylvania?s highest program honor.
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These men and women answer hotline calls around the clock. They counsel victims. They preach empowerment, plot safety plans and provide options.
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Options for shelter, for employment, for hope.
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They drive to hospitals or police stations anytime, day or night. Just to stand by a victim?s side. They accompany them to court and assist them through the legal process of securing protection-from-abuse orders.
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They venture into prisons and drug and alcohol programs, reaching those domestic violence victims whose trauma symptoms have become self-destructive.
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They speak to everyone from human resources professionals to cops on the beat, providing tips on how to identify, approach and support victims.
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That employee who?s suddenly showing up late, foregoing makeup or looking tired or disheveled? Don?t admonish her. Ask if she?s okay.
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They venture into schools, where the next generation of abusers and victims is being raised.
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There, they talk to the young people about their attitudes and beliefs around dating, violence, relationships, gender roles and media influences.
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They demonstrate the importance of respect ? giving it, getting it and expecting it ? as the hallmark of all healthy relationships.
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In all of these things, they are on the front lines of an increasingly angry society.
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Their mission is nothing short of healing a culture. All those unhealthy messages about violence, sex, relationship roles and self-esteem that permeate popular culture and pervade dysfunctional homes.
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In a profoundly imperfect world, theirs is a barely audible message of things as they should be.
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?A big part of it is changing societal norms,? Hendrickson insists. ?To end the violence, we have to change the culture that allows the violence to take place. We have to change the belief system. It?s a whole social-change movement that we?re trying to push.?
THERE'S NO SINGULAR PROFILE
This wasn?t supposed to happen to Kelly.
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Not to the college-educated, white-collar professional who raised a fine daughter as a single mother and waited until she was 42 to get married.
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But that?s the thing. There?s no singular profile for what a domestic violence victim looks like.
????? ?
It?s as arbitrary and capricious as the hand that slaps, the fist that punches or the mouth that spews venom and hate.
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There?s no rhyme or reason.
????? ?
Domestic violence knows no bounds of demographics or socioeconomic status. It invades homes of all incomes levels, races and education.
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In doing so, it craves just one thing: Power and control.
????? ?
All those explosive rages, self-image-stealing tirades and brutal physical assaults. They aren?t a failure of anger management.
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Rather, all the studies show that the volcanic violence of the abuser and even the sad subjugation of the abused are learned behaviors.
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The roles are passed down through dysfunctional families and given a perverse stamp of approval by darker reaches of popular culture.
????? ?
Kelly?s story starts with a hot-and-cold, emotionally manipulative, affection-withholding mother.
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Theirs is a deeply dysfunctional relationship.
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Throughout her childhood, Kelly lives in constant fear of her mother?s love being yanked away ? at any moment, for any reason.
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Her affection for Kelly is predicated on an ever-changing set of rules as arbitrary as whims. The mother?s favorite form of punishment is emotional hurt. Kelly grows up a puppet on a string.
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?By the time I was 14, I pretty much knew love was conditional,? she says.
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This deep-seated insecurity proceeds to haunt all her subsequent relationships, polluting many of her decisions regarding men.
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At college in Washington, D.C., she?s outgoing and liberated. She plays sports on coed intramural teams, and she explores her sexuality in the swinging 1970s.
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But a lapse of judgment in the heat of passion leaves her pregnant before she graduates college. She has the baby, and maintains an on-again, off-again relationship with the father for nearly 20 years.
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They never marry because they can?t. He?s a drug user, and his criminal record would hamper Kelly from obtaining the federal security clearances necessary for her government engineering work.
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She raises her daughter as a single mother. And after she splits from the girl?s father for good, he ends up dying of an overdose a few years later.
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Kelly freely admits her choices are far from perfect. But she?s proud of raising her daughter and establishing her career.
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Something?s still missing, however. She wants a husband.
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They meet in a local restaurant.
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She?s 40 and between full-time engineering jobs. She?s moved back to the midstate and is moonlighting as a waitress at a high-end eatery. She?s also picking up consulting work and doing some technical writing.
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Having raised her daughter and compiled an impressive professional resume, Kelly is eager for a relationship.
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Tom (not his real name) hardly seems a match for a mature, professional woman.
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He?s fresh from a nine-year stint in state prison. Instead of this being a deal-breaker, it makes him dangerous ? and interesting.
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?He said he was reformed,? Kelly explains. ?He was a charmer.?
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And the two have chemistry, some of it toxic.
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Both like to drink. This isn?t a problem, at least at first.
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Then, one evening at a local winery, Tom isn?t just inebriated, he?s sloppy and clumsy on the dance floor.
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When Kelly no longer wants to dance, Tom lashes out. He blames Kelly for his two left feet. She storms off, leaving him standing dumbly on the dance floor as the music plays on.
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In the car ride home, he rips into her for embarrassing him. He curses at her, finding a new and vile vocabulary for putting her down.
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Kelly hits the brakes and tells Tom to hit the road. He does, slamming the car door so hard it shatters the locking mechanism.
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She drives off. But when she spots a police cruiser up the road, she doubles back and picks him up.
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Tom is still on probation, and Kelly doesn?t want him to get into trouble for wandering around drunk.
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She is protecting her once and future abuser.
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?He never once said, ?I?m sorry,?? Kelly recalls, almost wistfully. ?Never once.?
BREAKING AWAY
?
It takes domestic violence victims an average of eight attempts before finally seeking refuge from abuse.
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She might call police, then refuse to press charges. She might confide to a friend, but not be ready to act.
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Typically, her goal isn?t to leave. There are too many entanglements keeping her there ? emotional, financial, societal.
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It?s her home. There might be children involved. There are bills, work and the relatives to think about.
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Leaving is upheaval. Some victims view this as more unsettling than the abuse itself.
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There are many questions: Where would she go? How would she support herself? What will the neighbors say?
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Above all, what will he do if she goes? To the pets, her possessions ? anything and anyone she cares about?
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Indeed, what will he do to her?
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Breaking away is the most dangerous time for a victim.
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The abuser is losing the power and control he craves as she escapes from under his iron first and verbal assaults.
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Such are the dire circumstances the YWCA is set up to surmount.
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It does so by providing victims with an array of choices. Then it lays a path toward empowerment, so the victim feels fully supported in seizing those options.
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From the very moment a victim calls the hotline, comes to the center or encounters a counselor in an emergency room or police station, a personal safety plan begins taking shape. All of it as private and confidential as a priest?s confessional.
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All those entanglements and worries holding a victim back? The YWCA treats them as barriers to overcome. Together, the victim and her counselor work through solutions for each.
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In many instances, a victim isn?t ready to leave.
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The YWCA domestic violence staff will not press them to do so. The lone priority is safety.
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?Our goal isn?t to make them leave,? Hendrickson says. ?Our goal is to provide them the options to choose what will be best for them. We?re going to help them be safe, whatever they chose to do. We?re going to keep talking to them about safety.?
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The YWCA?s efforts are geared toward keeping victims safe, whether they choose to leave the relationship or not. This can involve elaborate signals to alert those around a victim of a sudden emergency, as well as setting up ?safe houses? where she can flee for help and shelter during ongoing abuse.
????? ?
The detailed scenarios are different in every case. Victim and counselor talk through options ? what to do, whom to call, where to go. They explore alternatives ? everything from emergency shelters, counseling programs and legal avenues such as protection from abuse orders.
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But the final decision rests with the victim. Always.
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Here, she is in control.
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It?s the first step toward taking back her life and regaining control.
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?Every client gets to be different,? Hendrickson insists. ?Them feeling validated. That?s huge.?
IT STARTS ON THE HONEYMOON
?
In the photos of the engineering teams, she?s the only woman.
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Proud. Confident. At the top of her game.
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Since the late 1970s, Kelly has blazed trails in the male-dominated profession.
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She?s published books and churned out technical articles. She?s hopped from big project to big project, usually related to energy and national defense.
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She?s participated in panel discussions and volunteered in high schools and colleges, promoting engineering as a career option for women.
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In this light, Kelly is a role model. A professional success story.
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Sitting in the tiny living room of her modest home with the dents in the walls, it all seems so long ago.
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And it all seems lost.
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Most especially, those pieces of herself that could confidently reach out and shake a four-star general?s hand or spontaneously greet a high-ranking corporate officer at a black-tie affair.
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Lost, because her abuser has stolen these things.
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It begins in earnest just days after they?re married. On their honeymoon.
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It?s been a long evening of drinking, and the heretofore happy couple are enjoying a nightcap in a hot tub.
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But the alcohol and the heat are getting to Kelly. She moves to get out of the tub and go back to the hotel room.
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He doesn?t want her to go. He says something nasty about her being a loud, obnoxious drunk. She storms off.
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Back in the room, the new bride demands an apology. He doesn?t want to hear it.
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So, grabbing her from behind, he threads his strong arms around her neck, locks his hands in a tight grip and proceeds to choke her out.
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?He said I was loud, so he had to silence me,? Kelly recalls. ?That was the sixth day of our honeymoon. Your first instinct is: ?What did I do? What did I do to cause this???
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The incident has her second-guessing everything ? mostly herself.
????? ?
Late that night, she calls her mother and a bridesmaid. She?s bewildered and crying. Neither calls her back. She?s on her own.
????? ?
Later, Tom tells her that he learned the chokehold in prison. He learned other things there, too. Things he?ll use on his wife during the next eight years of their marriage:
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How to punch so the bruise is deep, painful and close to the bone ? but small and seemingly innocuous on the skin. How to raise a knot on her skull with the swift flick of a knuckle. How to punch her up under the ribs, shocking her liver.
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About once a year, there?s a big physical blowup. Anything can precipitate it.
????? ?
?You just didn?t know when he would snap,? she says.
????? ?
An overturned speaker in the basement is cause to yank her, naked, from bed, drag her by the hair and threaten to hurl her down the steps.
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Beyond the physical altercations, Tom?s mouth runs all the time. His F-bomb-laced put-downs, often in front of others, can catch Kelly off-guard, making her feel worthless. Less than nothing.
????? ?
A couple of times, she goes to the emergency room, having only $300 in hospital bills to show for it. There are calls to 911. Visits by police. Filings for a PFA. Even charges that drag her husband, now off probation, before a district judge.
????? ?
Nothing sticks.
????? ?
Tom denies the accusation and argues that she?s mentally unstable. Kelly?s alcohol use undermines her credibility. Even her mother and brother testify against her in various court proceedings.
????? ?
It doesn?t end until Tom threatens Kelly?s adult daughter.
????? ?
One night in March 2010, with his fist cocked at her temple, rage in his eyes and alcohol on his breath, he hisses hatefully, ?I?ll make your daughter an orphan.?
????? ?
He doesn?t throw the punch. But Kelly has had enough.
????? ?
Messily, with the house and bank accounts under his control and ripe for raiding, she breaks away.
????? ?
It?s not victory. Not revenge. Simply survival.
????? ?
And survival is day to day.
????? ?
?Leaving is one thing,? Kelly says. ?Staying gone is another. That doesn?t begin to touch what it takes to put your life back together after the fact. You can never have your old life back, or be your old self from before the abuse.?
????? ?
Her only witness through all of this is her dog, Annie.
????? ?
During the violence, Annie suffered from seizures. The fits were unexplained by any medical condition.
????? ?
These days, with the little ranch house with the broken doors and damaged walls peaceful again, the seizures have stopped.
????? ?
Annie?s fine.
????? ?
Little by little, her owner?s getting better, too.
THE STRUGGLE CONTINUES
?
Those who are emotionally abused or physically assaulted at the hands of a supposed loved one are nothing short of trauma victims.
????? ?
They suffer symptoms strikingly similar to post-traumatic stress seen in actual combat zones. They?re prone to irrational fears, social withdrawal, depression and drug and alcohol abuse.
????? ?
This is why the YWCA doesn?t talk about things like ?getting back to normal.?
????? ?
?They?re never going to get over it,? Hendrickson says. ?That is not something we should ever say. A victim is never going to get over their abuse. They will find a new sense of normalcy for themselves. There is a new normal.?
????? ?
Each victim sets her own goal. She maps the journey and takes the trip in her own time.
????? ?
?Whatever you are feeling, that?s normal for you,? Hendrickson says.
????? ?
These days, Kelly is trying to muster the confidence and energy to apply for a job at a Sheetz. She needs work that?s close because she must walk there.
????? ?
A DUI conviction at the height of the tumult around her separation and subsequent battle for the house and spousal support costs Kelly her driver?s license ? and 30 days in prison.
????? ?
There, she meets others like herself. Abuse victims whose trauma symptoms have landed them afoul of the law. Strangely, seeing herself in some of these other inmates helps her.
????? ?
Kelly is beginning to glimpse the bigger picture now. How the trauma cuts through everything ? every aspect of her emotional state and sense of self.
????? ?
And if Kelly can see this, she can make better choices.
????? ?
She?s gardening again.
????? ?
The rose bushes that Tom mowed down to the stump have come back. Spring buds promise a spray of bright blooms.
????? ?
Recently, Kelly participates in a local engineering panel. She?d like to get back in the schools, too, encouraging girls toward science. Perhaps, she?ll even do some consulting work or try some technical writing.
????? ?
She has a plan and a timetable. She has good friends from her new church and its women?s group. She has Annie, her silent witness and four-legged source of support.
????? ?
And she?s safe. Though, sometimes ? maybe most times ? Kelly doesn?t feel safe.
????? ?
But she?s working at it. Every day, she works to move on.
????? ?
Following a long conversation of pouring out her heart, Kelly bids her interviewer goodbye.
????? ?
?You have a good day,? she says.
????? ?
One wishes her the same.
????? ?
She frowns at this, adding, almost as an afterthought, ?Me? I?m still struggling.?
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